its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
