I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
