After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
