my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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