I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
