So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
