Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I want to be your penis for a week.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I touched a dick in church today
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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