im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
