sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
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