I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
