The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
