chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
