i don't like sucking hair
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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