i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
