Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
