Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
