He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
