Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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