why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
