Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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