apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
