The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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