If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
