Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
