Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
