It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
