GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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