A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
