Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
