I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
