She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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