Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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