When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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