i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
