You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
