I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
