I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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