all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
