I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Randomize
