look no pants
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
