thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
