I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Randomize
