I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
