She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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