Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
