you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Be still, my beating vagina.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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