where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
