My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
