that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
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