I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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